We all have them, but it’s a bit of a bitch to run smack into them face-first.

Recently I’ve been exploring a lot of new options, considering possibilities, etc. etc. etc. And really? Everything that has come up has maybe taken a moment to process but it’s all been okay, nothing too freak-out-inducing, and I’m cool with it. Until recently. I found a limit. And it surprised me. A lot. And freaked me out. I had this intense feeling of ‘I have no business being here but leaving would cause a scene, how the hell do I get out of this?’

After I did extricate myself, sans scene, I tried to analyze it, figure out what my real issue is, where the disconnect is, that sort of thing. And even though I feel pretty comfortable with the reasons (and that they are valid for me and that I am entitled to have them), and I don’t think it’s anything I have to change (just avoid the limit in the future and things will be fine, not that big of a deal) but I still haven’t been able to shake the feeling of ennui that settled in after the freak-out. Hence, I skipped a couple of planned things today and am hiding out from everybody. I’m not entirely proud of that fact or even happy about spending time at home alone when I could have been out with friends, etc. but I’m also not sure I would have been very good company.

Some company would be nice, but not a crowd. I’m running low on one-on-one time I think, and that’s also played a part in the freak-out I think, but with everything going on one-on-one time is going to be hard to come by, I think, for a while. Ew, that sucks. Oh well, what will be will be.