I actually debated about calling this post “these dreams” or “I dreamed I was in a Hollywood movie” but neither really worked. And that has nothing to do with anything anyway.
So, last night, goooood dream. What sucked was waking up happy only to realize that NONE of it actually happened. And once sentient not only did I really get that it made little to no sense to have thought, even for a sleepy second, that it did happen but what it might really mean.
See, in the dream, I was interviewing (strange because I have never nor ever wanted to be a reporter or journalist) this guy and he was, I think, an artist, but the details are a little fuzzy there. Anyway, so I’m sitting on a couch in his studio (?) and asking him questions that I cannot remember, all I remember is the general feel that we had a bit of witty repartee going back and forth and that he had a wonderfully wicked sense of humor. He was working on something the entire time and I recall that Mr.Dream was tall, dark hair, medium to slight build, with blue or green eyes…been awake too long…dressed in white t-shirt and black jeans, neither of which were tight, and the t-shirt had some sort of logo on it but I don’t remember what. (See, even my dream guys aren’t hotties, and that doesn’t bother me.)
Continuing on, we got to the end of the questions and were laughing about something and there it was: sustained eye contact. Yeah, I know, big deal, but it WAS. It was the kind of eye contact that sends sparks through a room, like anything could happen, that said ‘wow, your funny and smart and I really like you’. It was the kind of connection that you know, if you made just the slightess move–say even a lift of an eyebrow–the entire situation would change (for the good I mean). And then I left.
Wha? No, I didn’t wake up then, I left. I said goodbye (I don’t even thing we like shook hands or anything) and got in my car (incidentally my dream car, so not my current conveyance) and went off to do other things. From there it gets very fuzzy and I’m convinced slightly complicated (V was there, some connection still existed, there was even a bed, though nothing happened in it…), which also comes into the analysis.
Okay, so many people would say: Jenn, you’re lonely, you need to get laid and be done with it. Uh, no. Not it people. Don’t even WANT that…it’s too complicated. Being in this grey area of “separated” is weird. Technically V is still my husband, but he’s also my ex-, just not legally yet. Then there’s the matter of time. It hasn’t even been quite a month yet, I so totally don’t want to become even casually involved again for quite some time.
But really, I’ve never been good at this whole ‘alone’ thing. I mean, I’ve been single before, just not for long. And living alone seems to accentuate that, there’s not even the buffer of a roommate, even one whose hardly around. Weekends are, presumably, the worst, last weekend being particularly sideways just because…well, I don’t know why, it just was.
Back when I was doing a lot of blind/first dates between serious boyfriends, etc. I always tried to be upfront about being High Maintenance. See, I don’t require lots of money being spent on me, it’s not that, it a time issue. I require attention, kinda like plants but without the chlorofyl thing. And yes, I do demand a pedestal…it doesn’t have to be a tall one (I am afraid of heights after all), it just has to be there.
Another thing, I am so not looking forward to the time when (and it will come, it’s inevitable) that I have to start “promoting” myself again. Its such a pain, having to explain your existence in 3 to 5 sentences each time you meet someone of interest. I really thought I was done with all of that, and I suppose I COULD be, but that would mean never meeting anyone. ever. And I am a realist enough to see that’s not a possibility.
So have I gotten far enough off track? Let’s see if I can follow the rabbit trail back a bit and get to my point…. Oh! Right! I think my dream was merely emphasizing that I crave the attention of a man (obvious) without the entanglements of a committment (unusual for me, but the leaving sort of said that) but am hindered by the other stuff going on and insecure about where I actually am in life (the fuzzy rest of the dream).
And for the record. Since the actually decision to separate I have been hit on twice and both time, my word but it just made me so very tired…