So the weekend at Vulkon was a blast. Met lots of great people, had fun and even got some inking done while helping out at the SoulGeek table.
Today was Spec and I’s 1-year anniversary of our first in-person date. Since we’re still together and were handy this weekend, Dino wanted to do a quick video interview that he could take to some investors in the near future as proof that the site actually does what it set out to do. Of course we were more than willing to help out for the obvious reasons and things were going swimmingly until the last question…
Dino: So now I’m going to ask one final question which you may or may not want to answer and if you don’t its okay, we’ll just edit it out: Are their wedding bells in your future.
Oy. A little warning would have been nice.
And see, here’s the thing: Spectrum and I have talked about this before, including in the car on the way to the Con on Friday! Mainly we’ve talked about the fact that I don’t see marriage as a requirement in my life anymore and that I’m not all that sure it works for me as an individual. But it’s one thing to talk amongst our selves about it, and know where we stand and another to be asked the question by someone else. With a camera pointed in our faces. And I haven’t been able to get it out of my head since then, so this is me trying to work through it, publically, and see if I can explain myself a little better than I did at the moment.
Now, I said to Dino’s video camera that it was highly unlikely since I didn’t really believe in marriage anymore. Spec also explained as how his divorce is still rather recent (a little over a year). But, for my part, I over simplified it in the confusion, or maybe I didn’t, I don’t know…
I firmly believe that a marriage certificate changes me. I’ve seen it happen twice, now, where I become a version of myself that I neither like nor can maintain for more than a few years (3 tops, apparently). Now, maybe this has something to do with the other person involved, maybe not, but I’m the common denominator so I have to accept the majority of the responsibility here. After giving the matter some thought over the years I’ve concluded that the marriage certificate is a contract (duh) that says I’m gonna be there no matter what until I die. Even though we know (obviously) that divorce isn’t a non-option, it’s still not something I was happy to do (neither would I choose, however, to still be married to either of my husbands after all that has happened and the person I’ve been able to become through my various life experiences, divorces included).
Instead, in a pre-marriage relationship, you (I) make the choice each and every day to be there. To be a part of that relationship. To be with that person. There’s no contract holding you there, it’s purely choice. And to me, that means a whole hell of a lot more than some ugly form with some signatures and a seal that you usually only have a grainy photocopy of anyway. And I think that even though most people don’t think about it to that level, this is why almost every relationship changes once you become married, even if you were living together for years before tieing the knot, the ceremony, the legal contract you enter into, changed that.
Previously I’ve said that the only reason I could see marrying again is if I got pregnant (unintentionally, of course, as that’s a WHOLE ‘nother blog post), although even now I’m not sure it would be an automatic thing. I did think of another, though, that being that if the person I was with really had their heart set on that piece of paper (which, I know, to many it’s more than a piece of paper, it’s a symbol, a statement, and tons of people would give their right arm for the chance to be able to make that statement, I get that, that’s just not my point) then I might consider it, depending on the situation. It’d take a lot of soul-searching on my part, but we sometimes do things we’re not 100% about because those we love ask us to and make them happy take care of that small amount of doubt, so it’s not entirely out of the question. But that’s a serious exception to my general stance on the subject, the exception being that I wouldn’t want to lose someone that special over an aversion to a piece of paper. Know what I mean?
But here’s another thing, and this is probably a bigger reason that Dino’s question is still bugging me, hours later and utterly exhausted: it’s scary to think that far ahead.
I used to be the type of person to spin all sorts of future scenarios with the guy I was with, the whole happily-ever-after nine yards. For me, such exercises aren’t just daydreams, they’re plans. I tend to get attached to plans and don’t take changes to them (especially those that aren’t my idea) well–that, by the way, hasn’t really changed: I still don’t take changes well. When those plans would, inevitably, change or flat-out fail I’d be crushed. Looking back, hindsight being what it is, I almost feel like I jinxed things by planning so far ahead.
For the first time in my life, I’m able to just take things day by day, moment by moment, and that is incredibly freeing.
Now, we’ve made it to a year and since we managed that I’m able to work up the courage to plan a few months ahead. For instance, we have a cruise booked for January so obviously we plan to be together for a while longer. Also, we’re talking about moving in together when our individual leases are up in the Spring; the possibilities are there. We’ve touched on things farther out the way normal people do, but we’re not off building castles in the sky.
The bottom line right now, and what I have to keep reminding myself of, is that Spectrum and I love each other very much, we enjoy our time together and make each other happy. Right now I feel comfortable writing that we both want that to continue as long as possible. And we’re leaving it at that. And, really, that’s a good place to be able to leave things, you know?
I know Dino had no way of knowing what sort of tempest he’d stir up in my brain. It’s a logical question even in today’s society because marriage is still a traditional part of the relationship path even among the least orthodox of it’s members. And I’m not against other people getting married, for many it’s a wonderful experience and I admire them for that. I just don’t think it’s right for me anymore. My opinion could change, sure, that’s the great thing about opinions versus facts, but I’m not going to sit around and wait for that to happen or try to force it. I’m going to continue to be very much in love with a very wonderful guy, someone I’m so lucky to have in my life, and just enjoy what we have for as long as we are able to have it, hopefully for a long time to come.