Before

Hills and Valleys

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning

aka The Down Side to Being Prepared/Planning Ahead

Picture of 2 hills and the valley betweenIt doesn’t really matter what the situation is, at first your on an absolute high, on top of the mountain spinning like a deranged top, ideas flowing forth and just ready to burst.But you can’t spin forever.

At some point that initial high wears off and you slow down and you sit down and you wonder: now what?

Sometimes that low comes when you realize it’s time to buckle down and make those dreams happen, other times it’s frustration–like you’re waiting for Christmas to open the presents. You know it’s coming but it just won’t get here fast enough!

Todd and I had talked about it, we knew we were on the same page and he knew that I had a timeline in mind that was still quite a ways out, so no pressure to take that next step and officially become engaged. The only thing was I was on that mountain-top, spinning with ideas and plans and possibilities, but not able to shout and share the happiness.

Because we had agreed that we weren’t telling folks until we were officially engaged. And it was a good choice: it gave us time to get comfortable with the idea before going public. It made sense. But it also left me in limbo.

I find myself, often, somewhere between a methodical researcher/planner and a spontaneous decision-maker. Many times in my life it’s a now-or-never sort of thing (a haircut, a hair color, a shoe or dress buying impulse, registering yet another domain name) that finds me spending money at 2 a.m. and, generally, still liking it the next morning. But that’s when it’s just me.

When someone else is involved, I’m torn between pushing and asking and wanting until I get my way and being polite and non-threatening. The latter is how I really want to be–honest!–but the former is the impulse that I have to fight to be the better person.

So while I might pick up a copy of Brides magazine and tab pages for future reference or mention something I found that day as a fun project for the future nuptials, my fervor for planning had flagged.

And it was all about the what-ifs:

  • What if he’s not as into the idea as he originally thought he was?
  • What if he changes his mind?
  • What if he waits 6 months, 9 months or even–heaven forbid!–a year to pop the question?!

These were the thoughts swirling around my head right around summer. Yes, waiting was slow torture, like the aforementioned Christmas morning when you’re not allowed to go into the living room and open presents until the grown-ups get up, you have to content yourself with just your stocking goodies. And eventually I broached the subject with Todd and he assured me it was coming–by the end of the year, but I probably wouldn’t have to wait until Christmas.

Turns out, I didn’t have to wait even that long.

Pretty Book and Flower Icon

Did you know the proposal was coming?
Did it drive you crazy with anticipation or was it just me?

How Drive-Thru Tacos Are Like First (and Second) Husbands

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning
Taco Vs Toasting Groom

Can't You See the Resemblance?

To err is human…Truer words were never spoken. As humans we make tons of mistakes–big ones, little ones, in-between ones that we’re not quite sure really are mistakes and some we don’t even know about until way too late. And for ever mistake we, ourselves, make, other people are making their own mistakes, and affecting us in the process.Now, the other half of that quote is also pretty true:

…to forgive, divine.

It feels good to forgive, right? Forgiveness is something we withhold, to make a point, or bestow like some benevolent goddess from on high. Forgiveness is a wonderful feeling, giving or receiving. Why, then, are we so hard on ourselves?

Think about it, we make excuses for others:

  • Mike didn’t really mean it, he was drunk.
  • Vanessa was having a hard day, that’s all.
  • Dr. Jenkins mixed up the chart, no big.

But these excuses–or, even, legitimate reasons–for ourselves are no where to be found.

See, we learn from our mistakes.

It’s like when we think having half a dozen drive-thru tacos for breakfast is a good idea, just like marrying that first guy when he asked. Eventually you end up with a serious case of heartburn.

If at first you don’t succeed; try, try again.

The great thing about us human beings is that we don’t give up easy. So a 6-taco breakfast was a bad idea? We’ll cut it down to 4 next time! And the first guy didn’t work out? We take a little time and then try again, thinking we figured out what was wrong the first time around.

Guess what, those 4 tacos were still too much for breakfast. And the guy? Yeah, he might not have been quite right, either.

Let’s throw in one more platitude for good measure:

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!

Some women are blessed with an indefatigable spirit that translates into never give up. Me? After those first 2 strikes (to mix metaphors all over the place) I was a little gun shy. I mean, I was the common denominator in these flops, maybe I’m the problem?

Well, it’s take two and all that, but sometimes we don’t learn everything on the first go-round. Sometimes we need another lesson before it finally sticks. And, sometimes, it takes a few years before we can be brave again.

As excited as I am about marrying Todd and continuing our life together, it’s a little scary considering my past experiences. But this was what “sold me” on the idea in the first place: he’s different from my past husbands. I’m different from the me that married them. This time, I really think I’ve learned enough. Maybe I don’t have all the answers. Wait, no, I KNOW I don’t have all the answers. But I have some of them, and I have techniques that make success and lot more likely–like only taking one day at a time (not just for 12-steppers!), making no expectations of myself or other people and accepting each person and situation for what they are in the moment.

And, of course, the most important technique:

I’m going to make mistakes, and I’m going to forgive myself.

Pretty Book and Flower Icon

 

Could you use a little more self-forgiveness in your life?

But What Will People Say?!

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning

This last “objection” was a doozie, and it all comes down to the social stigma attached to someone who’s had multiple marriages. It’s a lot to get past, the one that is more external than internal, and the one that has the greatest chance to repeatedly raise it’s head in public forums.

word art of a "broken" society

image via stock.xchng | photography by eliteds3

Some people? Are judgmental, narrow-minded busybodies who get off telling other people how to think and live.

I generally don’t like those people, but they happen to be the people that come up with “rules” like:

  • Brides can only wear white if it’s their first wedding.
  • A second marriage doesn’t deserve all the fanfare of the first.
  • Divorce is a “four letter word.”

And so on and so forth.

While I acknowledge that everyone has a right to their own opinions and beliefs, I disagree with their opinions/beliefs taking away (legally or societally) my right to choose what is best for me in my situation. Walk a while in my 4″ heels, please, before you pass judgement, okay?

For those of us who’ve had the unfortunate opportunity to learn to be more open-minded (because it is a learning process, and sometimes a painful one), we realize that a bride can wear whatever color she wants to regardless of the number of weddings she has or hasn’t had before. That divorce is a fact of life these days and, yes, sometimes even a necessary “evil.” And that any marriage, whether the first or the fourth, deserves any type of celebration the couple wants.

I’d even go so far as to theorize that when we, as a society, expect or suggest that a second, etc. wedding should be down-played and not celebrated starts that marriage  under a dark cloud, and that’s never a good thing!

 

Ultimately, the only opinion that really counts is yours and his, but those negative opinions are still out there, and sometimes you do come face to keyboard with them. And your confidence in humanity plummets.

What it really comes down to is that people make mistakes and, hopefully, learn from them. While I’m not 100% sure that “if, at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again” is the best credo to follow in this situation, it’s not all wrong, either. You take something away from every relationship, good or not-so-good, and you apply that education to the next one. And we keep trying to find the one that fits because we all want the same thing: to be happy. We deserve it, if we’re lucky enough to find it.

After a failed marriage or two, though,we’re not able to be starry-eyed in love and think that marriage automatically means forever. We know how things can change, how they can go downhill and you just need to get out. So facing that prospect, once again, is terrifying. But they say, bravery is being afraid and doing it anyway, so we’re going to choose to be brave in the face of marriages crumbling (and the statistics stacked against us) and hope for the best possible scenario for the rest of our time together.

Did you ever come up against a social stigma you knew was unjust,
wedding-related or not? How did you handle it? 

Just a Piece of Paper, Or Is It?

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning

Another objection I had to overcome had to do with the legal side of things. It’s a product of being jaded by the past, I fully admit, but it needed to be addressed in order to move forward.

Contract application and pen

image via stock.xchng | photography by EyeLens

“It’s just a piece of paper, what will it change?”

Well, if you read my earlier experiences, it changed a lot (and not in a good way). But even if we’re not talking Stepford-switch-level of change, things are going to change once we’re officially man and wife.

For one thing, we won’t have to correct people who assume that we’re married. After all, we’re in our 30s and 40s, are happy together, considerate of one another and share a home. We’re married, right? Soon we’ll be able to say “of course!”

It also makes things easier from a legal standpoint. A very non-romantic reality is that not all states recognize long-term relationships that aren’t legally sanctioned. This can prove troublesome if something happens to one person and decisions need to made or you just want to visit them in the hospital! Billing issues on the utilities? A spouse has more pull than a roommate or just plain girlfriend. It’s boring, and annoying, but it’s true.

Another thing I was fond of saying for all those years I was convinced I’d never remarry (never say never, right?) was that marriage represented a legal contract that obligated me to be in a relationship. It was far more special that I chose to be there every day, right? Yes and no. There’s something to be said about a sense of security, and that’s–I suppose–is the main thing that the marriage certificate represents.

Also, a marriage certificate represents expectations, and expectations are dangerous things in relationships (or can be). Expectations had gotten me into trouble in the past: painting a rosy future and then being disappointed when it didn’t come true. Thing is, we expect our partners to just know what we want. And while I do actually believe in metal telepathy (but not that everyone who claims to have it really does–I’m not that gullible), most of us aren’t marrying mind readers.

Having finally grokked this concept, I approached the relationship with Mr. Trip on a very one day at a time basis. I did my darnedest not to look ahead beyond the next weekend together or the next phone call. And because I didn’t spend my free time dreaming up “one day” scenarios, I think we’ve been much happier for it and I really do think that’s why this relationship was different from all the rest. I placed no expectations on him from one moment to the next so he never had the opportunity to disappoint me. Over time, though, we’ve had to start expecting things (like we each pay our bills, now that we’re living together, that sort of thing) but they are all stated expectations that both parties agree upon, which also lessens the potential for disappointment.

It’s not that we’re finally starting our lives together–nope, we’ve been there for a few years, now–it’s that we’re taking the next step. The step where it’s no longer a weird if-you-want-to-then-so-do-I sort of feeling when it’s time to renew the lease or sign a contract or make plans for a year or more down the road.  It’s how we relate to each other a little differently, it’s a tangible sign, a public declaration, that we’re in this together, not just for now.

What does the marriage certificate represent to you?

Money Matters When Considering Matrimony

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning

Continuing on in the quest to quell my initial objections to a third marriage, our respective financial status was another facet I had to come to terms with before I agreed to become Mrs from Ms.

Dollar sign casting a long shadow

image via stock.xchng | illustration by rigor789

Ages ago I heard that sex and money were the two main reasons for arguments in relationships.

For the average couple of a first-wedding age in their early-to-mid 20s, both halves of the whole are either in college, just out of or just starting those entry-level jobs. Money has more to do with making ends meet than anything else.

Fast forward to the second or third-time bride and the picture might look a little different:

  • you’ve probably been in your career for several years, maybe even gotten a promotion or three;
  • you may have some savings, a retirement plan or investments;
  • you may also have a certain amount of debt either in credit cards, a mortgage, business loans or some combination thereof.

Remarriages also mean there’s a past to be considered. Does one partner have children from a previous marriage? Aside from the step-parent duties the other may be taking on, there might be child support or alimony to figure into your future budgets.

My financial past is has a couple of significant hills and valleys. I’ve been so upside down while finishing my degree that I couldn’t pay my rent and car payment in the same month (and only a bail out from a friend kept said car from being repossessed). And I’ve also paid off all the debt I was left with after my first divorce and lived credit card-free for a few years.

I may not have completely learned my lesson last time as now I’ve got a wallet full of store and major credit cards that I was not as wise as I meant to be with. Add to that a hefty student loan and my financial picture isn’t as bright as I want it to be. I’ve put a strategy in place for paying each off, in turn and over time, but it won’t be complete before we’re married. And that bugged me since Mr. Road Trip has recently paid off all of his major debts. I really was worried that I’d be burdening him, credit-wise, were we to marry before I took care of all of that pesky consumer debt.

Things like personal credit cards generally aren’t affected by one’s marital state, I learned (unless you add your partner onto the account, that is). Student loans, however, especially if you’ve petitioned for a reduced payment based on income or hardship, do take a spouse’s income into account to some degree, but they still belong to the person who accrued the debt, not to the marriage that came after.

For this reason, and to avoid any shocking revelations in the future, it’s a good idea to sit down and have a heart-to-heart (or, should I say, checkbook-to-checkbook) discussion with your intended, just to make sure you both know what you’re getting into. This is a good time to discuss things like combining checking accounts versus keeping them separate, future big purchases and the realities thereof and how you’ll handle the household bills (and which ones could be combined) once you’re married.

Because we were already living together–and Mr. Road Trip actually had a couple periods of unemployment after he moved to Florida courtesy of those wonderful economic dips a while back–we were pretty aware of where we both stood. Still, it was worth a discussion on our part just to make sure–we all know what assuming does, right?

On the upside–two people mean two incomes (usually) and that means a better combined buying power if you do want to make a significant purchase in the future.

Was debt something that crossed your mind before saying ‘yes’?
How did you make peace with the money monster?