Speaking my mind

Everyday Adventures

No, not here. I’m not going to hold-forth on a soapbox in this entry, merely I’m contemplating how freeing it is to be able to speak my mind and not worry quite so much about the consequences.

See, this past weekend had a slight communication glitch between Mon Amour and I. Basically there was none so the vague idea of having plans that I thought we had didn’t happen and I didn’t know why. So by Monday morning, well, I was a bit pissed at the lack of communication.

Here’s the thing. Usually, in my ‘past life’, I would rationalize my way out of the anger paper bag to the point that it would be my fault for not doing x, y or z and that I had no right to be angry or upset. This tactic worked great for avoiding confrontations but pretty much made me an emotional doormat, incapable of owning my own feelings. Then, when I would get so fed up from all the bottled-up resentment, et al. I would finally speak my mind, and life as I knew it would end in a blaze of tears and recriminations, etc. etc. and so forth.

I think it’s pretty obvious that I didn’t want to step back into that cycle.

So, this morning, when I did finally hear from Mon Amour, I explained that I was ‘a bit peeved’ at the lack of communication. Nor did I allow myself to rationalize my way out of it. Yes, the door (phone, IM, email, etc.) swings both ways. I, however, had plenty of justified reasons why, in this case at least, it wasn’t going to dissuade me from my ire. Not only that… I explained them, in detail, and vented. This, for me, is a huge step–would even count as a confrontation in my world (something I usually avoid like the plague). And you know what? It was okay.

Mon Amour didn’t tell me I was too much to deal with/too much of a headcase/had too much baggage. He didn’t ‘walk away’ or give me the electronic cold shoulder. There was no passive-agressive warplay. Nothing. He acknowledged my reasons, validating them in a way, offerred a few bits of information for the future, and owned up as to the fact that he probably should have informed me that even our vague plan to have plans wasn’t going to happen.

(Because you see, the point was not so much that we didn’t see each other this weekend. I can handle not seeing him *if* I know that it’s not going to happen for whatever reason. But it was supposed to, and didn’t, and there was no communication; this was the real problem here.)

Now, if we look back on past relationships, could this open communication/confrontation style have helped some of them? Maybe, but probably not as much as one would hope. See, I also had a knack for picking the KINGS of manipulative passive-agression as boyfriends/husbands, so this sort of behaviour might have thinned the herd a little bit, but probably not so much.

Nonetheless, a certain amount of empowerment has been acheived. I regret the past no more than it deserves, but definitely look forward to a more open future.

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