Wedding Planning

Tortoise and Hare Plan Wedding

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning
Tortoise digitally "wearing" lipstick and a tiara and veil

original image via stock.xchng | photography by hortongrou | embellishment by Miss Road Trip


Alternate Title: Why Wait vs. What’s the Rush

Slow and steady wins the race, right? But is it so much a race to the finish line when gaining the altar is the prize?

The Hare Says: Might as well do it now!

After all, if you know you want to spend the rest of your life together, why bother waiting 6, 9 or 12 months to get started. Let’s get down to business!

This was me when I was younger, and I blame that impetuosity mostly on the impatience of youth and the eagerness to get on with life, already. Many times I’ve looked back and the cautions to slow down, to take our time, and wish I’d listened–but for the real fact that had I not made those quick choices then, I wouldn’t be who or where I am now.

And, really, who among us could honestly say we would have heard–much less listened to–anyone implying we didn’t know exactly what we were doing?

The Tortoise Says: Marriage isn’t going anywhere, we’ll get there when we get there.

The aforementioned youthful impatience would call that sentiment lack of conviction, claim lukewarm feelings, and then shrug and go find something shiny to play with.

Now that I find myself on the turtle’s path this go ’round, I’d like to think it’s a product of age and that haste could easily be the product of insecurity as much as impatience. Apparently, though, the rabbit’s path isn’t just for the young, as I was recently reminded of, and what got me thinking down this road.

This past fall a friend of ours became enamored of a woman he’d been acquainted with, through mutual friends of theirs, for the past 2 years when a group trip abroad threw them much together. By early December they had decided to wed the following June. Two weeks later it had been moved up to the 30th of that month.

The day before the wedding I received a hold-off call (as I had offered to do their wedding cake), as the wedding was now an engagement party and the wedding was being postponed. Not for lack of affection, he assured me (and I believe him), but to allow time to work out some fiddly bits.

And it’s the fiddly bits that the turtle path is so well suited to manage. In their case it’s a matter of making sure the Catholic Church recognizes the marriage (she is a widower but he is divorced with annulment not really a viable option) for her to feel most comfortable. For the Road Trips, the turtle path allows us to save up for the sort of celebration we want to throw without putting undue stress on ourselves in the process.

But I now see that taking our time doesn’t mean we don’t love each other just as much–maybe even more!–or that we’re not sure of the life we want to have together. In fact, it’s not stopping us from living that life.

Are you a tortoise or a hare?

9-30-2011: E-Day

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning

This was it–THE day–Engagement Day!

It was a Friday and the 2nd day of my week-long stay-cation I’d scheduled to use up some vacation hours and get some work done on a personal project. T had called to check on the ring and it was in, he would pick it up on the way home.

And I? Was starting to feel a little bit silly. Knowing the ring was on it’s way home I had no idea of how to act. Obviously I was excited but, really, expecting him to what? Get down on one knee? Be serious? That wasn’t really us.

I saw him pull up in the driveway from my office window and *bam* butterflies. Okay, knowing it’s coming does not make it any less special, check!

In his hand was the burgundy bag from the jewelry store and this was how the proposal went.

personal photo

“Here’s the bag…

and here’s the box… (pulling out each part as he speaks)

and here’s another box.

And inside…”

While hugging me to him he said, very straightforward, “Miss Road Trip, I love you very much and I want to marry you very much.”

Well, that wasn’t so much a question as a declaration of intent, it didn’t really call for a ‘yes’ answer so, you know, what’s a girl to say?

“Yay!”*

And that was it: we were officially engaged!

And he did get down on one knee after that. Go figure, we were too busy being giddy and laughing to worry about “traditions” at that point.

Of course, the next thing was calling the family and, well, I knew Mom would be hurt if she wasn’t on the top of our list. Unfortunately, she didn’t answer her phone the first few times we tried her (while T made dinner–it was his week, how quickly we returned to “normal”) so we had to put off our calls for another hour. And then, of course, make it Facebook official to tell everyone else!

Yes, we spent much of the rest of our usual “date night” checking Facebook for responses.

And all my worries about no one being excited for us? Totally unfounded. It was the best, best-case-scenario I could have ever hoped for.

Did you still get giddy for the engagement,
even if it wasn’t a suprise?

*It should be noted that when I first broached the subject with Mr Road Trip, I asked what he’d say if I said I was thinking about marriage not being completely off the table anymore. His reaction? And I quote: “Yay!” I almost feel like we should include that in our vows, somehow.

Anticipation or Aprehension

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning
A figure waiting on a bench, looking out to sea

image via stock.xchng | photo by coolza

The ring was ordered and I knew the official proposal would be coming whenever the ring was ready. We were told a couple of days but I figured on a week, just to keep myself from going absolutely stir-crazy.

I was excited for the most part, but as the week wore on there were seeds of dread that started to sprout.

I was excited and happy BUT also a little embarrassed to be–like I’m not allowed to feel this way. Like, been there, done that. The do-over is cool and all, but keep it low-key.

I might have also been a wee bit gun-shy; before I’d closed the door to marriage I’d been engaged a couple times without making it to the altar (apparently I inspire a forever feeling in some men, at least at first). I was afraid this over-cautious feeling would last through the whole process–2 years+!–and that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it fully until it was done, and then it would be too late.

Lots of deep breaths, lots of reminders to live in the moment.

I think a lot of encore brides face this fear: we’re not young, fresh with stars in our eyes, etc. We’re more mature (supposedly), we know what can happen when a marriage goes wrong and are a little jaded about some of the happily-ever-after-isms out there.

Or, at least, that’s how we think other expect us to be. As much fun as I’d had reading wedding books and magazines, thinking up ways to make that day more us, and soaking up all the inspiration that was out there on the Internet, I was still feeling a little weird–not about the engagement becoming official so much as announcing it to our friends and family.

I started wondering if those family and friends would be as happy for us as I wanted them to be. Some would, I was sure, but what about those who just kinda took the information and had no reaction? Would that hurt? In my mind it already did. As much as I consider myself to be realistically optimistic, I’ve always lived by the “expect the worst, hope for the best” maxim. And I’ve got a doozy of an imagination for the worst case scenario.

The Wednesday before the engagement was the worst (almost-in-tears-at-my-desk-worst) over the imagined slights of those around us who took the news with ‘oh, okay, whatever.’ I was so glad when T didn’t come home with the ring that day and confessed my fears.

Getting it off my chest made a world of difference, though. By the next day I was back to looking forward to the upcoming reveal.

Did you ever worry about how other people
would react to news of your engagement?

The ‘OMG, This Is It!’ Moment

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning
Silhouette of a figure jumping against a blue-sky background

image via stock.xchng | photography by asifthebes

By fall of 2011, the Road Trips were firmly in the “we have an understanding” period of pre-engagement. We easily talked about ideas for the wedding and laughed at the antics of the Bridezillas on WE’s Wedding Sunday shows. I was devouring wedding planning books and magazines like they were going out of style–after so many years of thatain’tevergonnahappenagain I was intent on making up for lost time, apparently.

We’d seen a commercial for a Bridal Show in mid-September but I was in the middle of something and didn’t catch the url to order tickets. Mr. RT had, though, and ended up ordering the tickets for us that week.

(Now, we’re not the type to really keep score or anything, but if we were, T would have earned major brownie points on that one. I’m still grateful and amazed at his enthusiasm for wedding planning.)

At any rate, we attended the show, enjoyed ourselves, got several tips and ideas from the various vendors, and signed up for every drawing or mailing list there was. Hey, we’ve got 2 years to go and nothing set in stone, yet, but the date–we were up for almost anything.

Imagine my surprise when, a couple days later, I get a call from a jewelry store that T had talked to about maybe designing a ring for me: I’d won a prize from the Belle Etoile collection they carried! Since T had wanted to stop by their store, too, he went with me to pick up my prize that Saturday (I chose the Art Deco ring–which wasn’t really what I won, but they let me “exchange” it and pay the difference) and he browsed while I shopped. Nothing in their cases really appealed to him (style- or price-wise) so we left and I not-so-subtly suggested we go ring-browsing since that’s sorta what we planned to do anyway!

(Yes, I realize I was sort of failing on that “I don’t want to pick it out” statement I’d made earlier on, but oh well.)

That’s when Todd tells me he’s got a ring in mind, at a jewelry store in the mall, but he wasn’t sure it was “enough” for me. But maybe if I wanted to see it, I could decide if I liked it and, if so… well, that would be that and we’d make it official!

And there it was, the OMG, this is it! feeling. I think I blushed a bit, I know I had a goofy grin on my face and there were happy tears gathering in my eyes. I was giddy at the jewelry store. The ring was just right for what I wanted, T bought it and it was immediately sent off for sizing.

It wasn’t mine just yet, wouldn’t be for another week, but the moment was there.

Did you see the ring before the proposal?
Did you pick it out or let him choose?

Hills and Valleys

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning

aka The Down Side to Being Prepared/Planning Ahead

Picture of 2 hills and the valley betweenIt doesn’t really matter what the situation is, at first your on an absolute high, on top of the mountain spinning like a deranged top, ideas flowing forth and just ready to burst.But you can’t spin forever.

At some point that initial high wears off and you slow down and you sit down and you wonder: now what?

Sometimes that low comes when you realize it’s time to buckle down and make those dreams happen, other times it’s frustration–like you’re waiting for Christmas to open the presents. You know it’s coming but it just won’t get here fast enough!

Todd and I had talked about it, we knew we were on the same page and he knew that I had a timeline in mind that was still quite a ways out, so no pressure to take that next step and officially become engaged. The only thing was I was on that mountain-top, spinning with ideas and plans and possibilities, but not able to shout and share the happiness.

Because we had agreed that we weren’t telling folks until we were officially engaged. And it was a good choice: it gave us time to get comfortable with the idea before going public. It made sense. But it also left me in limbo.

I find myself, often, somewhere between a methodical researcher/planner and a spontaneous decision-maker. Many times in my life it’s a now-or-never sort of thing (a haircut, a hair color, a shoe or dress buying impulse, registering yet another domain name) that finds me spending money at 2 a.m. and, generally, still liking it the next morning. But that’s when it’s just me.

When someone else is involved, I’m torn between pushing and asking and wanting until I get my way and being polite and non-threatening. The latter is how I really want to be–honest!–but the former is the impulse that I have to fight to be the better person.

So while I might pick up a copy of Brides magazine and tab pages for future reference or mention something I found that day as a fun project for the future nuptials, my fervor for planning had flagged.

And it was all about the what-ifs:

  • What if he’s not as into the idea as he originally thought he was?
  • What if he changes his mind?
  • What if he waits 6 months, 9 months or even–heaven forbid!–a year to pop the question?!

These were the thoughts swirling around my head right around summer. Yes, waiting was slow torture, like the aforementioned Christmas morning when you’re not allowed to go into the living room and open presents until the grown-ups get up, you have to content yourself with just your stocking goodies. And eventually I broached the subject with Todd and he assured me it was coming–by the end of the year, but I probably wouldn’t have to wait until Christmas.

Turns out, I didn’t have to wait even that long.

Pretty Book and Flower Icon

Did you know the proposal was coming?
Did it drive you crazy with anticipation or was it just me?