Another week down

Everyday Adventures

And probably a million stitches completed. Oy but my fingers are sore! A fair amount of those stitches had to be done by hand and I don’t mind, really, I just wish I had started them before this week! Oh, and ironing sucks. Not a revelation, I know, but thesecond-degree burn on my arm (blasted linen setting!) will serve as a vivid reminder for a while.

Of the to-do list I have the following items completed:
*finished 2 16th century leine
*hemmed 2 non-accurate but wearable leine up another 12 inches
*one barbette made
*2 veils hemmed
*1 “cheese-mould” hat completed
*Spanish overdress completely trimmed, mended, and pearled to within an inch of my life (okay, it’s actually not that much, but it felt like it was never-ending)

Of the things still left to do:
* hem blue Shinrone gown
* hem and attach sleeves to green Shinrone gown
* mend red Shinrone gown
* make wrist straps for all three Shinrone gowns
* finish toca (the bands are pleated and measured, I just have the get them combined in their tiers and then close the back hem…almost there)
* make blue sleeves
* make saffron scarf
* paint and string beads and medallions

Things that will have to wait for another time:
* belts
* pouch
* shoes (hey, I bought a pair of china flats, they’ll have to do)
* amber jewelry

And other things on-going
* scroll…at least I started the illumination tonight. I’m generally a quick painter but copying the 13th century Spanish style is a little tougher than I envisioned. I really don’t know if I’m going to like how it turns out or not. And I may very well be entering it as a work in progress. Then again, maybe not.

And as if all of this was not enough, school starts tomorrow. Granted, my lone class this semester is online, and it should be fun, I’m just wondering if I’ll be assigned to read Beowulf this week or next! My luck, it will need to be read, summarized, and tested on by Friday lol

One last note…a funny thing happened on the way to the (old) mailbox this week: passed V on the road and he sorta waved me down. We had a pleasant chat through our respective driver’s side windows until someone came along needing to get by, saving us from the eventual dissolution into awkward silence. Not that we haven’t talked since I moved out, but not face-to-face. Then he called Saturday night to thank me for the picture CD I left for him and so forth. No problem. Then the awkward silence came when he started saying how nice it was to talk to me the previous day. Well, yes it was, and I’m glad we’re being adults about it, but it really didn’t warrant a call. Was I supposed to be more chatty? Was he trying to say something else? Lead to something?

It all got me thinking. In a few months we’ll go to the courthouse for the divorce and, if I remember correctly, they ask you if there is any way the marriage can be saved. Is there? No. And I don’t want that to sound in some way oversimplified or insensitive. It’s just that, the way things ended stirred up a lot of muck in the emotional basin. And, without going into too many details in the interests of the privacy of the involved party, it just wouldn’t be possible to continue in any sort of lasting relationship because I’d always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. No matter how well things were going I’d always be worried that I would do something (or not do something) to cause another scene, another argument, or just disappoint him to the point that he wouldn’t be happy. Its not even a matter of trusting him, it’s a matter of being comfortable with him…I never will be. I’m sure from some people’s standpoint I over-reacted and blew the day out of proportion. But to me all I could see was what almost happened, and I’d always wonder and worry that the line that wasn’t crossed might indeed be crossed again. I suppose I really needed to work that out, but the realization was still pretty upsetting last night.

Now, to set the record straight, it wasn’t just the fight that ended it, that was just the proverbial straw. For a long time I was afraid that I wasn’t making V happy, and to me it seemed obvious he didn’t want to spend time at home because that’s where I was. We went from hanging out together, going places together, seeing a lot of each other, to doing our own things on our own schedules and I just saw him after 9 or 10 each night. I felt like I was getting the leftovers of his day, that other people got the happy and vibrant V and I just got whatever was left after having to be polite to everyone at work and hanging out with his friend(s), I got the venting that they weren’t privy to, I got the grumpiness, the exhaustion, and when I finally got to tag along through the house after him to tell him about my day I really did tag along: I followed him down the hall and back into the living room or office, I had to seek him out to talk to him, and even when he would come sit in the living room to watch tv (with me, my shows usually) it just felt like he was putting in the required hours, punching the marital clock as it was. I wanted more than that…I wanted to still be the first one he went to after work, to be asked about my day, to feel valued and special, and yeah, I wanted the dog-gone pedestal to be put up on, I admit it, and he refused. So your honor, that’s why it cannot be saved. And for the record, I’m rather afraid of heights so the pedestal wouldn’t even have to be that tall!

Ugh, enough maudlin introspection…this was not where this post was meant to go. But oh well. V, if you read this and actually got down this far, please try and understand and not be angry. Let’s go on being adults for those times we might actually see each other, and lets accept the was things are and each move forward. I wish you the best, I really do, and maybe one day we’ll each find that person that gives us what we need to be happy.

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