Wedding Planning

The Decision of Where

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning
image via stock.xchng | illustration by lockheed

image via stock.xchng | illustration by lockheed

Before a lot of wedding details can fall into place, the subject of where it’s all going to happen usually needs to be dealt with.

Traditionally, brides returned to their hometown to be married. After all, that’s where the parents (and, therefore, the money) were and all those childhood friends and extended family. Of course, these days our personal worlds are much more global, but many first-time brides still choose their hometown or somewhere familiar for their nuptials.

The returning bride, however, might have made a life for herself far from the old homestead and chances are good the groom has travelled a bit, too. Suddenly, going “home” doesn’t make as much sense as staying put and, even then, choosing a location can be tough.

Both Mr. Trips and I live far away from most of our family and while our wedding will be the small, intimate sort, we still want to make things simple for any out of town guests who wish to attend.

Some things to consider:

  • Is there adequate hotel space near the chosen spot for out-of-towners or do are there enough local friends who’d be willing to put them up for a night or 3?
  • For guests flying-in, how’s your local airport set? I know flying into and out of Tallahassee can be a bit of a bear and often increases the cost involved. Scouting out shuttle services from nearby cities or planning extra activities surrounding the wedding to entertain those out of town guests is a nice touch since they may opt for a longer stay to get better rates (flying in on Friday and out on Sunday being trés pricey compared to in on Thursday and out on Monday or Tuesday).
  • Destination weddings can even the playing-field a bit–everyone travels!–but can also exclude some folks you’d really want to be there if funds are tight (and, let’s face it, everyone is feeling the pinch these days).

There’s more to this than a simply your city or mine.

Add to this, living in a college town and planning a fall wedding meant dealing with football schedules. Not because we’re fans (sports are not something we’re majorly invested in), but because a large chunk of our city virtually shuts down on game days (and heaven forbid it be homecoming weekend). Since we wouldn’t know until February of 2013 (more than a year from when we started location scouting) if there would be a home game that weekend, we pretty much had to cut out any place downtown or near campus, as traffic could create major issues.

I was tempted, though–the last two years showed an off weekend or a Thursday night game for the first weekend of November, but it wasn’t enough to convince me to take that chance.

What were the big factors in deciding your wedding location?
Or was there even really a choice? 

Holiday Fun: Puppy Love

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning

With the holiday taking center-stage this week and 2 sets of guests to get ready for,
let’s have a little photo-fun today, shall we?

In the eternal battle of cat vs dog, on which side do you generally fall?

Todd and I? Are dog people. Even though we are currently sans canine companionship and laugh at the LOLcats with the best of ’em, we swoon over some floppy-eared, waggy-tailed goodness.

And combining bow-wows with the vows? That brings the ‘awwwww’ to a whole ‘nother level. Take a look at these pretty pooches hamming it up for the wedding photographers:

Photo Collage of dogs in wedding photos

Sources: Style Me Pretty 1, 2, 3, 4

Photo Collage of dogs in wedding photos

Sources: Style Me Pretty 1, 2, 3 and Flickr

Photo collage of dogs in wedding photos

Sources: Style Me Pretty, Offbeat Bride, Lauren Kinsey, Style Me Pretty

What I find interesting, though, is something I stumbled upon while researching wedding traditions (ages ago, for a writing project): it was considered bad luck for a dog (or any creature, really) to walk between the bride and groom at the wedding so dogs used to be absolutely verboten at weddings! This harkens back to a time when it was thought that evil spirits would routinely inhabit animals, thus the spirit walking between the bride and groom was a very bad thing.

It’s a lovely thing being enlightened and not having to worry about those things anymore, but a great man once said not to work with children or animals as both are unpredictable. If you do choose to have your 4-legged friend as a part of your wedding, keep these tips in mind:

  1. Designate a handler for Fido, someone who’s already in the wedding party or maybe a House Party member, that Fido knows and is used to taking orders from.
  2. Do not entrust the real rings to your canine ring-bearer (dogger?) as even the most obedient dog is still a dog. One good “Squirrel!” at the wrong time and you’ll be borrowing bands for the ceremony.
  3. Be prepared. Scout out of good spot for Spot to take a walk both before and after the ceremony and have your designated dog walker equipped with baggies, etc. Wet wipes are good if paws could get muddy pre-pictures (don’t make the photograph Photoshop paw prints from the wedding gown).
  4. Remind all small children that chocolate is very dangerous for dogs and not to feed any groom’s cake to them, no matter how much they beg!

But if you’re the superstitious (or just cautious) type, you might want to save the furkids for the family holiday card.

And if you’d like to see more picture-perfect pooches, check out my Dogs in Wedding Photos board at Pinterest.com

Pretty Book and Flower Icon

Meanwhile, Todd and I will be checking out the National Dog Show hosted by the Kennel Club of Philadelphia after the Macy’s Parade. We’ll be rooting for the Basset Hound, the French Bulldog and the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.

Will you be watching?

 

 

 

 

 

 

But What Will People Say?!

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning

This last “objection” was a doozie, and it all comes down to the social stigma attached to someone who’s had multiple marriages. It’s a lot to get past, the one that is more external than internal, and the one that has the greatest chance to repeatedly raise it’s head in public forums.

word art of a "broken" society

image via stock.xchng | photography by eliteds3

Some people? Are judgmental, narrow-minded busybodies who get off telling other people how to think and live.

I generally don’t like those people, but they happen to be the people that come up with “rules” like:

  • Brides can only wear white if it’s their first wedding.
  • A second marriage doesn’t deserve all the fanfare of the first.
  • Divorce is a “four letter word.”

And so on and so forth.

While I acknowledge that everyone has a right to their own opinions and beliefs, I disagree with their opinions/beliefs taking away (legally or societally) my right to choose what is best for me in my situation. Walk a while in my 4″ heels, please, before you pass judgement, okay?

For those of us who’ve had the unfortunate opportunity to learn to be more open-minded (because it is a learning process, and sometimes a painful one), we realize that a bride can wear whatever color she wants to regardless of the number of weddings she has or hasn’t had before. That divorce is a fact of life these days and, yes, sometimes even a necessary “evil.” And that any marriage, whether the first or the fourth, deserves any type of celebration the couple wants.

I’d even go so far as to theorize that when we, as a society, expect or suggest that a second, etc. wedding should be down-played and not celebrated starts that marriage  under a dark cloud, and that’s never a good thing!

 

Ultimately, the only opinion that really counts is yours and his, but those negative opinions are still out there, and sometimes you do come face to keyboard with them. And your confidence in humanity plummets.

What it really comes down to is that people make mistakes and, hopefully, learn from them. While I’m not 100% sure that “if, at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again” is the best credo to follow in this situation, it’s not all wrong, either. You take something away from every relationship, good or not-so-good, and you apply that education to the next one. And we keep trying to find the one that fits because we all want the same thing: to be happy. We deserve it, if we’re lucky enough to find it.

After a failed marriage or two, though,we’re not able to be starry-eyed in love and think that marriage automatically means forever. We know how things can change, how they can go downhill and you just need to get out. So facing that prospect, once again, is terrifying. But they say, bravery is being afraid and doing it anyway, so we’re going to choose to be brave in the face of marriages crumbling (and the statistics stacked against us) and hope for the best possible scenario for the rest of our time together.

Did you ever come up against a social stigma you knew was unjust,
wedding-related or not? How did you handle it? 

Just a Piece of Paper, Or Is It?

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning

Another objection I had to overcome had to do with the legal side of things. It’s a product of being jaded by the past, I fully admit, but it needed to be addressed in order to move forward.

Contract application and pen

image via stock.xchng | photography by EyeLens

“It’s just a piece of paper, what will it change?”

Well, if you read my earlier experiences, it changed a lot (and not in a good way). But even if we’re not talking Stepford-switch-level of change, things are going to change once we’re officially man and wife.

For one thing, we won’t have to correct people who assume that we’re married. After all, we’re in our 30s and 40s, are happy together, considerate of one another and share a home. We’re married, right? Soon we’ll be able to say “of course!”

It also makes things easier from a legal standpoint. A very non-romantic reality is that not all states recognize long-term relationships that aren’t legally sanctioned. This can prove troublesome if something happens to one person and decisions need to made or you just want to visit them in the hospital! Billing issues on the utilities? A spouse has more pull than a roommate or just plain girlfriend. It’s boring, and annoying, but it’s true.

Another thing I was fond of saying for all those years I was convinced I’d never remarry (never say never, right?) was that marriage represented a legal contract that obligated me to be in a relationship. It was far more special that I chose to be there every day, right? Yes and no. There’s something to be said about a sense of security, and that’s–I suppose–is the main thing that the marriage certificate represents.

Also, a marriage certificate represents expectations, and expectations are dangerous things in relationships (or can be). Expectations had gotten me into trouble in the past: painting a rosy future and then being disappointed when it didn’t come true. Thing is, we expect our partners to just know what we want. And while I do actually believe in metal telepathy (but not that everyone who claims to have it really does–I’m not that gullible), most of us aren’t marrying mind readers.

Having finally grokked this concept, I approached the relationship with Mr. Trip on a very one day at a time basis. I did my darnedest not to look ahead beyond the next weekend together or the next phone call. And because I didn’t spend my free time dreaming up “one day” scenarios, I think we’ve been much happier for it and I really do think that’s why this relationship was different from all the rest. I placed no expectations on him from one moment to the next so he never had the opportunity to disappoint me. Over time, though, we’ve had to start expecting things (like we each pay our bills, now that we’re living together, that sort of thing) but they are all stated expectations that both parties agree upon, which also lessens the potential for disappointment.

It’s not that we’re finally starting our lives together–nope, we’ve been there for a few years, now–it’s that we’re taking the next step. The step where it’s no longer a weird if-you-want-to-then-so-do-I sort of feeling when it’s time to renew the lease or sign a contract or make plans for a year or more down the road.  It’s how we relate to each other a little differently, it’s a tangible sign, a public declaration, that we’re in this together, not just for now.

What does the marriage certificate represent to you?

Money Matters When Considering Matrimony

Third Time Wife, Wedding Planning

Continuing on in the quest to quell my initial objections to a third marriage, our respective financial status was another facet I had to come to terms with before I agreed to become Mrs from Ms.

Dollar sign casting a long shadow

image via stock.xchng | illustration by rigor789

Ages ago I heard that sex and money were the two main reasons for arguments in relationships.

For the average couple of a first-wedding age in their early-to-mid 20s, both halves of the whole are either in college, just out of or just starting those entry-level jobs. Money has more to do with making ends meet than anything else.

Fast forward to the second or third-time bride and the picture might look a little different:

  • you’ve probably been in your career for several years, maybe even gotten a promotion or three;
  • you may have some savings, a retirement plan or investments;
  • you may also have a certain amount of debt either in credit cards, a mortgage, business loans or some combination thereof.

Remarriages also mean there’s a past to be considered. Does one partner have children from a previous marriage? Aside from the step-parent duties the other may be taking on, there might be child support or alimony to figure into your future budgets.

My financial past is has a couple of significant hills and valleys. I’ve been so upside down while finishing my degree that I couldn’t pay my rent and car payment in the same month (and only a bail out from a friend kept said car from being repossessed). And I’ve also paid off all the debt I was left with after my first divorce and lived credit card-free for a few years.

I may not have completely learned my lesson last time as now I’ve got a wallet full of store and major credit cards that I was not as wise as I meant to be with. Add to that a hefty student loan and my financial picture isn’t as bright as I want it to be. I’ve put a strategy in place for paying each off, in turn and over time, but it won’t be complete before we’re married. And that bugged me since Mr. Road Trip has recently paid off all of his major debts. I really was worried that I’d be burdening him, credit-wise, were we to marry before I took care of all of that pesky consumer debt.

Things like personal credit cards generally aren’t affected by one’s marital state, I learned (unless you add your partner onto the account, that is). Student loans, however, especially if you’ve petitioned for a reduced payment based on income or hardship, do take a spouse’s income into account to some degree, but they still belong to the person who accrued the debt, not to the marriage that came after.

For this reason, and to avoid any shocking revelations in the future, it’s a good idea to sit down and have a heart-to-heart (or, should I say, checkbook-to-checkbook) discussion with your intended, just to make sure you both know what you’re getting into. This is a good time to discuss things like combining checking accounts versus keeping them separate, future big purchases and the realities thereof and how you’ll handle the household bills (and which ones could be combined) once you’re married.

Because we were already living together–and Mr. Road Trip actually had a couple periods of unemployment after he moved to Florida courtesy of those wonderful economic dips a while back–we were pretty aware of where we both stood. Still, it was worth a discussion on our part just to make sure–we all know what assuming does, right?

On the upside–two people mean two incomes (usually) and that means a better combined buying power if you do want to make a significant purchase in the future.

Was debt something that crossed your mind before saying ‘yes’?
How did you make peace with the money monster?